It's been 19 years

It's hard to believe that it has been 19 years since my brain surgery, 19 years since my life was completely turned upside down and my world as I knew it ended. 19 years since I said goodbye to the person I was, only to say hello to the person that was left a few weeks later. You would think that it would get easier and I guess it does in some aspects, but every year it just hits me differently and this year it's just been more daunting, more emotional, and overwhelming as this day has approached. I can't really explain why except that the last year and a half has probably been one of the hardest personal struggles since that time. I have had a harder time dealing with some of these issues , I've been more frustrated with myself, my inner voice, my determination and abilities over the last 18-19 months than I have over the last 19 years. I often say we make a choice each day on how we feel, no one else gets to make that choice for us and I honestly make a choice each and every day. I have to. I write each night in my gratitude journal to help me stay focused on the good of that day and not let myself wallow in what did not go my way, even if it is as simple as being thankful for my bed to rest in that night. Because no matter what has gone on, I am SO thankful for every day that I have had here on earth the last 19 years.
Tonight I choose to focus on the fact that I am here, alive and well. I am married to a man who loves me and is by my side each day. I have been able to watch my son grow up to be a husband and father himself, which 19 years ago I did not believe I was going to get to see. Another who is married with one kiddo and another on the way, a house that we feel like we are finally at home in. I am surrounded by blessings each and every day. Tonight I just sit and remind myself of those blessing.
I don't share this for anyone to feel sorry for me, please don't. I don't live with regret, blame my past or my struggles. When those thoughts creep into my mind I know that is the devil’s doing and he would gladly watch me self-destruct. I do share because I have many, many friends who have had TBI's (Traumatic Brain Injury), who have fought depression, who have felt they were the only one and who need to know they are not alone. On the days when I just don’t feel like I can or I don’t want to push forward, the days where I am confused or terrified; I remember a couple of things. There is a purpose for my life, God did not put me on this earth without purpose or save me 19 years ago to not have some kind of impact on this world. I am a daughter of the King, he knows every hair on my head and I know he has a purpose for me. I lived to see Michael become a man - 19 years ago, that is all I asked for, I am blessed and I am a survivor. I choose to be happy, I choose to look at the positive in all I can, I choose joy!

This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him." Psalm 91:2

Write your own story

My mind has been working overtime for a while now listening to people around me, family, friends, and strangers too. I see posts, hear conversation, memes and t.v. interviews and I am amazed at the blame.

It's so easy to place blame isn't it? I know that if we tried, and it would not be hard, we could even get others to join in our rally cry of blame. I could have blamed others for life, my situation, my mood and unhappiness. I could have told myself it was them, not me and blamed my past, my childhood, my health, or my brain surgery. I am sure if I stayed in the mindset and that life I could have many come attend my party of blame and even tell me how right I was. At that party I could have had people tell me that I deserved more because I worked hard, I was a single mom, or I was a victim. I deserved because they had more and didn't struggle like I did. "They" didn't know the struggle of someone in my situation and how hard it was, or how unfair life was. It's so easy to take the road so well traveled, to take the easier route and join the ranks of "it's not fair."

Miserable people focus on what has gone wrong in their life and what they hate about their life. Happy people focus on what they love about their life. SO what changed for me, what can change for you? I made a decision. I made a decision to work as hard as I could AND go to school. I made a decision to humble myself and ask for help. I made the decision that if I couldn't give my son what I felt he deserved he would be around people who loved him, made him feel special and celebrated. I made a decision after some health set backs to do and be my best. I made a decision to open my mind to the possibility of a different life, a life where I was not a victim, but a victor. There are many moments in our life and we can string those moments together and relish the memories or we can wallow in the moments and amplify the misery.

Frankly, I do deserve more. It is not because someone else has more and should share. I deserve more because I chose not to settle. I made the sacrifices to get the education, I made the sacrifice to spend 30 minutes a day working on me, I made the sacrifice to spend my evenings or my Saturday in a learning environment vs on my couch in front of the t.v. complaining about how unfair it is that I don't have....

We have a choice to be bitter or to be better. I want to be a little bit better each and every day. I make a decision every, single, day to be happy. I have had setbacks, I have had my moments, life is fragile after all, but I don't stay there. I choose not to let the actions of others affect me because their actions are not about me, it's about them. I choose to not react or get mad or look through angry eyes because I don't want to give someone that control in my life. I don't want a piece of someone else's pie because theirs is so big and they don't possibly need it all. I want my own pie! We have choices in our life, it's time we start living our lives and writing our own stories.

Our Family Tree

Angel Oak Tree

This weekend we said goodbye to a very important person in our lives, Annalee Johnson. She meant the world to me, I loved her gentleness, her kindness, her grace and I was always in awe of her. I am forever grateful for her, she was instrumental in keeping our family together. You see we are the epitome of a "step" (for lack of a better word) family that works. Why? Because the adults in our lives wanted it to and without her it would never have happened.
As I struggled over the last few weeks, knowing her life was coming to an end, I realized she, Floyd, her husband, my mother-in-law and our Aunt Lettie, are the last of the older generation in our family that we grew up with. I have sat and had time time to reflect on our family, sometimes in the solitude of my own thoughts, sometimes in sharing with others and other times with another sister, though not my own. I have been extremely blessed to have a few strong godly women in my life, who were the essence of grace, dignity and lived in faith daily, Ann was one of them. She welcomed my sisters and I into her family, arms opened wide, always a hug and smile when we walked through her door. You see we were there to pick up our brother and sister and she was always there to welcome us in. We grew up without the struggle and the tug-of-war to spend time with our older brother and sister. My dad was able to go and get them every chance he could, it was part of our life. We may not have always realized it when we were young, but boy did I realize it when I had my own. As I grew older I learned to appreciate the gift she gave us. 

Ann meant so much to so many people, wife, mother, grandmother, great grandmother, caregiver, sister, teacher, friend. When I called, which was not as often as often as I should have, just to check on her and Floyd, she always asked about my parents, my sisters and their families too. When we dropped in for holidays unexpectedly she always greeted us with a hug and a smile. It doesn't even end with my brother and sister, but with their brothers, sister and families too. We have had some great times and all of us sharing in her love. She was love. She was much like my Grandma Geema, who taught me to live in faith, to love fiercely and that no matter what, you can come out on top, if you choose to. Geema could have been defined by the tragedy in her life and angry at her circumstances, but instead she taught me faith, love, kindness and grace. Growing up we never had to chose which house to go to, which grandparents to see, we were SO blessed to have a family that chose a different way. My maternal grandparents, went with us on Christmas Eve to our paternal grandparents' house and sometimes aunts and uncles too. Easter and other holidays were filled with whoever could join us, it didn't matter what 'side'. As we grew up and had families of our own, my mom made the decision to bow out and have family Christmas early every year so we didn't have the pull of going to so many houses over the holiday's. Our in-laws were always welcome, my mother-in-law never spent a holiday alone, she was either with one of her other kids or she was with us at my parents home. That is how it should be. Family together, without the fight, without the power struggle, never a game. It is how I was raised, it is how we continue to this day. We have more grandparents and family that isn't biologically related then I can even begin to say and yet an outsider would never know. We are just family and I am grateful. I think that because of so many people in my life like Ann, Grandma Geema, Grandpa Judy, Aunt Vera and many more, they are a part of the reason family is so important to me. You see only one of them is actually biologically related to me. It is at the core of who I am, they bring me life, they bring me joy. It's why a piece of my heart and soul is missing with Michael and his family so far away. It took months for me to recover and try to find joy again when he left for Basic training and it wasn't even my first rodeo. I am there for our family, because it's who I am, they are a part of me. I do whatever it is that needs to be done and no I do not expect anything in return. You see, if you expect something in return, then it becomes an agenda, it becomes ticket punching or tit-for-tat. That isn't how it should be, that isn't what family is about. It's about sharing the good, the bad and the ugly times too. It is the birthday's and the night out, the holidays and the cup of coffee or just a simple meal. It's all of it, not just occasions. It's not perfect, it's not without its ups and its down, but it is worth it. It's family. We have those in our life, who would do anything, drop everything to just be with me, with us and not expect one thing it return. How lucky am I to have people like that in my life? When you have someone who you call or text and you know they are going to be there on the other end. The ones who really do answer your calls or your text and those who do not forget to call you back. They recognize the need in your voice and make a 2 hour journey just to have lunch. Isn't is beautiful to know that you have someone in your life that is there for you no matter what. I love that my friends love my husband just as I do and he is so generous and welcomes them, and all their kids, in. It never mattered that we didn't have the best of whatever, a big house, or the circumstances of our life, it only mattered that our door was open and we greeted them with a hug and a smile. That is family, they are the leaves of my tree branch of this old family tree.  

 The tree above is located in South Carolina, generations old, it's trunk winds around and it's roots give it strength. It has stood through many storms, hundreds of years old and brings joy to many families today. When I think of our family and friends I think of an old tree such as the Angel Tree. Please don't think it's been perfect, that isn't my message here, it's been stormy, weathered, loved, cared for, splintered and pruned. We have weathered so many storms, it has many, many branches, all twisted together and off in many directions. The trunk so strong and winding because of these great families who decided to do it differently. I miss my Geema more than words can say and I will miss Ann in that same way. I only pray that I can be half the woman that the two of them were, that I can be an example of God's unending love and make you two proud. I know you two are watching over us all. I love you and we will miss you.

I Corinthians 13:13
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Hello 2016

Can you believe it?  Here we are, another year has passed, it FLEW by in fact!  So much changed for us in 2015, it has been both the worst year and the best year of my life. I'm not going to go into all the details, but I may highlight a few.  For half the year my routine and fitness really had taken shape and I was feeling great, fit and strong; and then something changed, I lost myself, my drive, my focus, too much was going on at one time and I had to let go.  It was hard, it was not easy, but it was necessary or I was going to lose me.

We began the year looking for a new house, again.  I honestly was not looking forward to it as we had tried and failed twice before.  We set out, went through some okay homes, but mostly they were plain awful.  Neither of us were having any fun and we were both frustrated, in the end I gave up.  I asked my hubby to find us an apartment in a new area and we would try again in the next year and that is exactly what we did.  He found us a 3 bedroom apartment, close to work and shopping, closer to family and quite expensive.  We hired movers, packed boxes and set our date.  Hubby went to do the walkthrough while I was at work, our movers cancelled and it was further downhill from there.  By the next morning we both knew it was a mistake and called it off.   

In the next few weeks, with no place to go, no idea what we were going to do we had to give up to God. I couldn't even tell you all the moving pieces, everything unfolded before us, doors opened and the pathway cleared.  We ended up building a house in a small town, close to work, shopping, family and easy access to highways!  It's been quite an adventure, with its own ups and downs, but I am so excited for us!!

We also became grandparents in 2015!! A beautiful granddaughter in January, a handsome grandson in July and 3 bonus grand kiddos too!!! It has been a fantastic journey and the joy we have felt with our grandkids is immeasurable.  I cannot believe how blessed we are. Grandkids bring you a special kind of joy, you get to just enjoy them, without the parenting pressure, just enjoy their presence.  It's simply amazing.

I have been thinking over my goals in December and will spend the final week, job willing, focusing on them, writing them out and really getting focused for the New Year.  I cannot wait to see how it all unfolds.  So as I am writing this the New Year is just around the corner, new challenges, new adventures, new horizons and new journeys.  My new word for the year is to come. Join me on the journey of 2016.

I Choose Happy!

We all have the choice to change, we aren't trees as Jim Rohn says. If you do not like your situation, stop talking about it, stop thinking about and do something about it.

"When you change, everything will change for you, when you get better, everything will get better for you." -Jim Rohn 

When I was in college I had a professor who challenged us.  He told us that all of us had a choice in life, no matter the situation.  I remember all of us being upset by his challenge, we staunchly argued with him, using my brain surgery a few short years prior as our evidence that "I" in particular did not have a choice.  We left that class and never understood why he would say such a thing, how dare he and more.  It wasn't until a few years later, that I finally understood and you know what?  He was right after all.  EVERYTHING we do or say is a choice, everything.  I did have a choice.  What we actually have to weigh is the consequences of our choice.  I have the brain surgery, I might live and if I didn't I would most definitely die, but I still had a choice, it wasn't have the brain surgery or not, it was to live or die.  

As we grow older, hopefully we grow wiser.  There comes a time in life when we have to take responsibility for our actions, our choices, our lives. We can either be mad, bitter or angry about what has happened to us, or that which we have perceived.  Unfortunately too many go off half cocked about what they think happened, or have been told. There lives are shaped by the bitterness they hang on to, they thrive on it.  For what purpose?  Oh pitful me, look at what has happened to ME, look what someone said to ME, what they did to ME, feel sorry for ME. That is a part of their identity now.

I have been through A LOT in my lifetime, growing up as the oldest child, but actually the middle.That comes with it's own set of issues. We went through hard time, layoffs, illness, deaths and so, so much more.  I have been through a lot of trials, many of which I could use to get sympathy on how hard my life has been,  Relationships that have come and gone, some that have been stripped raw and rebuilt, better, stronger, kinder, wiser.  No, I do not plan to share as it's not a part of my identity, victim, it's not a part of my who I choose to be.

I have learned that everything I do, is my choice, it is my decision.  How I choose to handle a situation, whether it is hatred or kindness, it is my choice.  But if I handle that situation with vile hatred, that is all I am spreading, that is what someone remembers about me.  I am not saying I get it right every time, I do get upset and sometime lose a bit of my temper. I'll tell you what though, it's nothing like the temper I lost in my 20's, I grew up.

There comes a time in your life when you have to stop blaming others, stop blaming the economy, your boss, your parents, your situation. Stop blaming others for your feeling and the choices YOU are still making. YOU are 100% responsible for how you feel and what is or is not happening in your life.  I have learned over time that I get to choose who and what I am each and everyday and I choose happy.  Even when faced with deep depression and not knowing how to get out of bed, I make the choice and I get out of bed anyway.  Why? Because it will lead back to my happy.  I dive into the Word of God to find peace and understanding because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt the He will be with me and carry me when just don't know how.  Each day, I choose happy, each day I choose to be there for my husband, each day I choose to be the best person I know how to be.  Each day I choose what will come out of my mouth.  Each day I choose.

We face challenges each and every day, every single one of us.  It is up to us to make a choice, we are either defined by our past or we chose to live in the present and make a bright future.  What choice will you make?  

Will it be easy? Probably not. Will it be worth it? Absolutely.  Start feeding your dream, not your past.

Learn to listen.

Isn't it funny, we are in such a hurry that we don't stop and listen.  Instead we label.  I have been told I am quiet and reserved, which I am for the most part, I will not deny it. I am also told variations like, I am standoffish, I don't argue enough, I don't fight for myself, I don't talk enough, and my personal favorite, I'm bitter.

Standoffish? Ehh, I don't really agree, I am told it is because I keep to myself.  "They" are right in some cases, I rarely argue and those few times I might argue is when I am pushed A LOT and emotions are high. I don't fight, it isn't necessary and accomplishes nothing in the heat of the moment. I am never bitter, I let things go quickly, forgive often and try to forget and there are reasons and I really don't talk a lot. 

One of the greatest compliments I ever received from my son, Michael, he didn't even mean it as a compliment, but that is how I took it. It was something he said in a conversation we were having about tempers. I told him he gets his honestly from his dad and I that we both have fierce tempers and it is something he will have to learn to control or it will control him. He said "What are you talking about, you don't have a temper." I let him know that actually I do and I have worked hard since his dad and I divorced to keep it controlled. I am glad to know that my son doesn't know my temper. My other son, Xanthin, doesn't even remember the one time I lost my temper with him, he was an adult by that time and I am happy for it. 

Now, here is what is really going on, I observe, I listen, I try to not interrupt with my own idea, story, accolade or solution. I listen. Sometimes it is to both sides of situations and if needed, once everyone is done, I speak and give my thoughts. Mostly though, I listen - sometimes people just need a sounding board, a person to listen to their own thought process, someone they know will not judge and someone who isn't going to interrupt. I have also learned and really do try to stick to the adage, "If it is not necessary to say, it is necessary not to say". I do this in both my personal and professional life. If you know me at all, you know I observe everything before I speak. 

If you truly know me, who I am and what I believe, you know that I forgive quickly and move on. There isn't a reason to hold grudges, there isn't a reason to let someone else control your emotions and hold you hostage to those feelings. I don't share much of my person life with anyone, a learned skill from years of judgement, so I just keep to myself and my God. I have a couple of trusted friends who know a little about me, those are few and far between. Mostly, I just listen.

Finally to my point - Take the time to get to know people, to understand them, to understand their situation, what their need is or what they offering BEFORE offering your solution, your advice or your comments. Learning to TRULY listen is a skill, it is something I have worked diligently at for years, I can only pray I have succeeded in some manner and will continue to refine. Listening, to me, is one of the first skills necessary in serving. I am reminded of it often and in all areas of life, as I encountered a customer service rep yesterday, with friends, family, clients and as I read this morning. Take some time and listen, it is amazing what you will learn about people and what they are truly about.

What does your exercise regimen look like?

What does your exercise regimen look like? Are you doing endless hours of cardio? Hitting the gym every now and then because you pay a membership fee? Spinning out of control? You don't need to spend hours in the gym on the treadmills, stair climbers and elliptical machines. So what do you need to do?

Number one - start in the kitchen. You cannot out train a bad diet, you just can't do it. Now maybe your younger self can, but as you get older that will change. Finding out your key numbers is an important piece of that puzzle and definitely something that I can help with. 

It is 80% Nutrition and 20% Exercise = 100 % Mindset. This does NOT mean chicken and broccoli every meal, squirrel eating and rabbit food.  I have increased my calories this years, increased my muscle and decreased my body fat.

Number two - High Intensity Interval Training - H.I.I.T is intense and will burn more calories in less time. Basically low to moderate intensity activity mixed with bursts of all out (high intensity activity). My goal is cutting fat and building strength, which lines up with the H.I.I.T activity. 

Example: These next 3 weeks I am working on 15 sec high intensity, 45 sec moderate activity for 15 rounds. During the Ohio Body Transformation Challenge my H.I.I.T was 45 secs and 2 minutes off. I have been using the treadmill, but this can be done by running outside, elliptical, bike, jumping jacks and so much more. 

Number three - Weight training - As I said, I am not lifting to bulk, but I am lifting to help my body gain strength. As we age our muscles atrophy unless we do something about it. I noticed this when I turned 30, but I really noticed in my 40's. I am the only person that is going to take care of me, it is my job to take care of me and I plan to be the best me I can for myself and for my family. 

Now I didn't just start out in the weight area of the gym, nor did I ever see myself lifting again. I actually began over a year ago with the Herbalife24 Fit DVD's and as I worked through the program and completed it, I gained confidence. I gained confidence in myself, my ability and my own strength. I went from there into the gym and I have been lifting since October, I am definitely NOT bulky, but I feel good. 

Number four - Don't undo it all after your workout. You must give your body the proper fuel. Don't leave the gym and forget to refuel your body. My treat is Herbalife24 Rebuild Strength, it is an awesome recovery drink, it tastes fantastic and it is chock full of protein, BCAA, branch chained amino acids, L-Glutamine and more. It has what your body needs to PROPERLY refuel my body and a bonus...It tastes so great!! I earn my recovery shake every.single. workout. That is very important to me. 

Start slow, get your numbers, find a partner, but mostly just get started. If you would like some help, I would love to help you get started, get your numbers and help you feel as great as I do!!